It Is What It Is

From all the times in my life that I was ever unsure of anything, I would always tend to try harder. To try harder is sometimes where the damage is mostly done.

It was unlike anything I have ever experienced, and it had its ups and downs but everyone learns from mistakes and achievements. It took the setting of a summer’s eve, me as an independent male was out on the town with some friends celebrating for an event I had missed but had the opportunity to build upon and experience in a different light. It was just a glance in that eye that caught my soul, I was curious for more but I knew the love interest of this eye wouldn’t be too happy so I backed off. It was the next few meetings that had made me think that it was to be. To be is what I was unsure of until now, a time in my life where I had that eye in my soul. A time to help heal someone, to let them see how beautiful life can be with them in it. This isn’t one of those love stories that you would expect to read about because it wasn’t all roses and butterflies, but it is love.

On the night where we first met, I had not merely paid attention to this person. Didn’t feel the need to honestly but I had thought that when the time is right it would happen, and it did. The couple that had been through a lot together looked tired, and the protective nature was very apparent. It’s funny, when you fall for someone they see you for who you are alone… not who you are when in love. Why is it that people love the alone state more then that they are when they mean something more… I’ll stop side tracking. I communicated on a lower level not thinking much on the first meeting but that this person was very attractive and meaningful but didn’t grasp on what level. At that time I had left to recover myself from the night of social delinquency. Woke up the next morning not thinking anything about this but a mere meeting of someone. I had to go to my performing class at that time and work on my craftsmanship, so along I went content with who I was and a confident thirst of life. I had a showcase planned in a few weeks and did not want to embarrass myself in front of the crowd I had asked to attend.

I have a spirit of a young man that is true but my heart has aged due to my past experiences in life. The last time I had looked into someone’s eyes with any significance I had been taken a fool. This time At that point where I realized I was treated as such, I promised myself never to gravitate to the same situation, even if it meant to give up everything, it would have been better then feeling so insignificant to someone who was on a high regard to my love. How easy it is to say these things before you actually go through in the motion right?

So back on track.. My showcase was amazing and I had a blast. Had the support of my loved ones all in audience. I was on top of the world, and then the group of us all attended a local pub for some congratulatory drinks and food for me. Not in any thoughts of this person I hold so dear now, had he walked in to meet with my friend. I thought how strange, as I knew something between us from first sight was there. We all enjoyed conversation and reminiscing about the past to catch each other up on where our lives where taking us. We all then started to move to the next venue of choice for some cheap cocktails and laughs. At this point I was communicating more openly with the one who re entered so marvelously. We both just had this innate ability to talk with no end in sight. At this point I knew he was still in his breaking relationship and did not want to intrude but yet lend a hand on any wrong doings. I know myself and conversation is always the best therapy. I remember the last words of that night were around the statement of his words

“So you want to come home with me now eh?”

I remember that so clearly and it will make more sense in the later ends of this story. I rebutted,

“Is that what you want?”

Showing how cocky I could have been.. I then returned to my group of friends as I knew this was not what I nor he had intended for us. He then had left due to his prior companion showing up in a un eased manner. I again did not think twice about any further situation as I had no intent to freak him out, and the portrayal of a home wrecker is not something one likes on their shoulder. I remember going back to meet my friends new interest and him being very polite and surprisingly open and at ease within the certain area we were in. None the less it was fun all in all, the weather was great and the stars were out for all to see. If you haven’t guessed this started to take place in the summer months, maybe I didn’t make it to clear but now you are well informed.

The next time I would meet this amazing hidden spirit would be at my brother’s birthday bash. At this time I was ready to make the acquaintance of the bright soul hidden in the dark corner. This was the night where things made clear of what was to come. I had had many of conversations with this specimen and wanted more. I knew that I had to ask for some form of communication, and as it so happened he was interested in the conversations on a deeper level as well. This was near the late summer where the days were long and the time was great. I remember the first time I opened my door to see him walk in. It made me happy; made me happier then I had been by far. I had understood that there was little to advance on as I had not been sure where his emotions lied at time. I then learned that he had been broken, literally inside I could see pain, struggle and remorse, not for himself but for what has happened in his past.

I only at that point was thinking on how I could spread my soul to help heal his. You know when you look into someone’s eyes and you see a passion burning inside but they are afraid or are in bad time to let it out. That’s where he stood, alone and I now understand when he claims “I don’t know what lonely is”. After hearing that now I feel pity on his behalf because if he can never be lonely he can never truly love. It took some time for me to choose the word pity, but it is a true feeling but does not elaborate past that one statement. I only feel it as he may never feel that. I love him for who he is; just at that point it was pity to know that a lonely side wouldn’t be truly understood.

The days the nights just flew by, literally I remember waking up in the morning next to beauty. The one thing in the world that I had found some new state of mind in. I still wake up with the feeling of bliss and complete intoxication with his being, for the maturity of a adult relationship. The days flew by at work, with ease in every situation even if it was a mess; it was my mess that was cleared with strength in knowledge. To start to understand where I am coming from with my career choices, the current full time position has always been the vein of my existence with this man, probably put more strain on the whole situation that had made it a mess at times. It took time for me to see it for what it truly is. So back on track, as I at this point was in a happy state of well being, it was natural for my work and levels of commitment to even out on all levels. It was almost natural to wake up with a great feeling and withhold it for the day to come just for the chance to talk or see this man.

In his eyes this was the time that made it hard on him, let alone his prior relationship had ended on a awkward level, that to this day is still in strain on him, but he had lost his position within his company. They had gone on hiatus due to the recent recession in the world. It was like a bullet to his head, to lose his passion in one aspect the too lose his commitment in his love life then to have an unstable home life, how could that not effect someone. I opened my arms and home to help if it would have made any difference, and it did. I knew that there was a level of dependence that would not be admitted no matter how much it was relevant. I remember the times when I would get the drive to work, the early morning rise and the sometimes surprising sexual energy or teasing that would transpire but to most it is viewed as the early stage of the relationship, not to be taken lightly as this still wasn’t the time where I would truly know who someone was.

I saw things for what they truly were, the statement “it is what it is” made sense to me at that point and had no negative undertone. I had no expectations but to be a friend, but once I had accepted the position of a friend would my feelings never really make it less. I knew who he was inside but to this day he would not admit to the full image I do see. I remember one summer’s eve we were sitting on my balcony, sitting and talking and even if I had not opened my mouth much he would still feel at ease because he could vent. I let it happen, because sometimes all someone needs is for someone to listen. He lost his job but that itself didn’t hit him as hard as the personal relations he made within the workplace, they were his family, his people who made him happy and who in past were there once a relationship would had broke. He admitted that months later those things were always easier with the security of the employment. He opened his life in a aspect, maybe a freckle of the past existence but to an understanding which he would not be aware of, through my eyes it was on a different level.

His past had come back to bite me in the ass in some aspect at this point. I remember a day when I had lunch with a friend of mine, then as planned we had a few drinks. We started talking about the eve that we had all met the new interest. I was curious as to why this had been brought up, not knowing that it was a point of Drama for both my friends and my new interest. The pal had explained on how the interests ex partner had come by for a few drinks. Had come to talk and hang out, which I had not found weird at the time but once it was brought up to the interest it was reworded with new meaning. Now I know that my friends are not the most innocent but I know what’s right and wrong. Now it was left to believe that my pals (partners) had made advancements on this riff raff that is to be known as my interests past partner. A total fabrication from the truth as they together would never take part in this, maybe separately but not together. I know weird how homosexual relationships work but what is commitment now a days, it’s been renamed and wrapped with a bow on it not to be revealed until signed with blood on script… I know many think cheating is wrong and I do believe that, but in a adult relationship, think logically, do you expect to sleep with the same person forever, or do they… things happen and no matter who you are it can. I do not condone going out and looking for it, but I do understand circumstances and things are not always as they seem. So back to the drama, once this ex brought it up to my interest it was told a different way then what I had been informed. Knowing the psychotic nature of this ex and the patience of my friends, I knew which to believe. I knew that ex came in and had drinks and ran his mouth way to openly and the friends just got bored of listening and said good day. This made it weird in the first encounter that interest and friend would have had but we moved past this as it was bound to have happened due to some past events. After this situation had blown over I felt that all was clear, and I knew that it was handled in an appropriate manner. Address, react and recover. We did it together, which made me think more upon this interest, it was totally the beginning of me seeing things in a better way. A way of future and a way that made me grow for this person.

Even though he may have been damaged, I got to see smiles, I got them out of him. We would do random things, literally, we would go to a beach and just lay there after work and talk…. Or go out on the town for a few drinks to enjoy each other’s company, even if it was on my work time I would somehow find a way to just release and move forward with what was happening. It truly was just the spirit of him that made my life more tolerable, worth risking, but at the time I wouldn’t exactly risk it all due to the fact we both had much to learn on each other. I would go out with friends very frequently and would never lose sight on what fun I had in the past. Then for some unknown reason something changed. I remember the first time he invited me into his home; it was something new… not like I had done this before. We at this time had been hanging out quiet regularly but the rendezvous spot would always take place within my house. I believe in me it came down to the thought that someone’s home is there safe haven, there blanket if you would call it. I openly wanted him to be in mine, but now he had wanted me to be in his. It made my mind clear that in the small time but the deep conversations this was real. This was happening and to just go with the day to day theory in which I was with him and wanted him with me.

The first few times I had come over to his place located a little further out of the dt core in which I reside in, it was interesting as it was a new territory, a new aspect in which I was almost consumed in wonder of. I know it’s pretty straight forward he invited you to stay at his place, that’s all. In my mind it was placed in a way of opening. This is the place in which he made a home for himself and his past life, the past in which now could become the future if I wasn’t to clingy or forward in the manner that he knew he had me at his heart.

At this point I remember just waking up in his bed, him holding me and me looking out the window at the warm day ahead. To be honest I cannot remember the last time I had woken up in someone’s arms feeling like this was so true and was what I wanted for the rest of time, not to be too corny. On a honest level well it was like I was in love for the first time again, but to let him know wouldn’t be the smartest thing right away, hold it back, at this point it had only been around the 2 month mark of our time being just us and relaxing and taking day by day.

One thing I was absolutely sure of at this point, the small things in life can hold just as much meaning as the smaller. When you think about it the big things in life are only a mark on what you had made happen, the small things are what you had been through and worked on to make the mark. The conversations of dreams and aspirations and beliefs and personal growths had made me wonder on how I could be so lucky as to have met someone who can hold that with me. Holding conversations at times can be hard, especially with the pedestrians in this city as I find half of most are not well educated or are just socially inept. The next few weeks had been just on personal growth on both behalves, since we had talked about the hurt in ones another’s life. The pain that had been seen and experienced and just related on how things could change and would in time it was just the acceptance on patience which to this day I had never been fond of, but have learnt from what I was experiencing.

The summer was ending and the weather so still spirited in warmth had been holding unto a colder time. I remember it was near the end of September, I had thought of a place I had went with random friends years prior and that held such significance just based of the view. It was of the city, but in a distance. All the buildings, all the lights and all the problems seemed so small from this point, like you were looking into Toronto’s globe. I wanted this to be a spot of importance, a spot where he could remember that things were and are great from an outside perspective. This was the very spot I couldn’t hold my feelings in anymore, I had taken the plunge and told him my thoughts, told him how I felt, told him that I love him. I know your thinking wow you fool, why so quick, why so cheesy. Well to be honest its something I wish someone would have done for me along some timeline. I thought that if I could make someone I love smile with that why not do it. At this point he was in a minor down vibe about where his position in life stood but I knew that this moment made a difference, it showed someone cared. Someone wanted a change for the better for him; even if he wanted to fight it off in a theory it would not be forgotten. He said “I love you” back. To this day I do believe in this love, and it is strong, but I do sometimes wonder that if I held it back for a little more time what would be different. I have concluded that nothing would, love is love and you know after spending a consecutive repetitive amount of time with someone if you do.

There it was laid all on the table, how I felt and what was in my mind and what I wanted to transpire. I know that at times it may have been hard but I was warned not to read into him, he would be hot and cold and this was no news to me. I was warned by one of his close friends about his personality, but yet again to actually take what thus friend said seriously was to be debated as I have found in recent events. I will be flat honest, my love was in a unstable mind control the use of medications I had known all too well until a prior few years was taking place. I relate in the fact that I know how hard it can be if your doctors are placing you in a unstable mind state and using you as a guinea pig for their commissioned meds. I remember at one night, there was a freight as I remember a prior conversation in which the person I have grown so close to had mentioned on how he was upset constantly and was wanting to end things, he didn’t clarify on the plural of End. An end thing was interpreted as ending his life, as I had done some research on the meds he was consuming. I remember the only reason I had thought this is because he had not messaged in a few hours, after we had planned to hang out. I had shown up to his place and knocked for about 20 minutes at his door and had no answer. At this point my mind was consumed with a natural state of worry, as I would wish someone would worry in the same aspect for me in this manner should the event arise. I got on the bus and travelled back to my place, in conversation with a close friend at a time, which had gone through the same event within the prior months. She suggested for me to call the police, just to report a worry, remain nameless and just let them know the situation as if I truly loved him and was worried for his best interest to do the right thing. To this day he was never informed on who it was that placed the call but something the officer said made it clear that it was me, and not that I cared just I wanted him to know that he was loved and I wouldn’t ever walk away in a time of need, shows a strong character to do something like that. The funny thing is getting to know who he was at that time and not being controlled by the daily grind he fell asleep for nightly naps quite frequently, before me spending any significant amount of time at his place I just should have though on that. All in all that was an event that took place and will not be forgotten even though if it was the result of a cat nap.

So after that fact this would bring us up until around the middle of October, so it was getting chilly and just a normal annoyance of weather. Staying at my place then staying at his place became clear on where I wanted to be. Not that I didn’t feel at home where I reside, just was that someone ultimately opened there home to me, we have shared upon our personal spaces and to be honest I felt more comfortable in his space then where I could at home. I live with a roommate and to be frank, yes I have OCD in a minor part, which would become a inside joke within the times In the location where I live it is in a constant state of mess and disarray if I am not in the area, always a part to clean or dishes to do, or something to be dusted or organized, even if it wasn’t for my OCD at times the mess would seem like an overabundance of annoyance. It was more and more that I had started to make way into his place, and willingly and open to anything to come, which made me feel as if the world was my oyster. Now right about when I started to visit here more often, I did a movie shoot in Hamilton. The move was named “Baby Love” which was produced by Novelette Productions, was a fun learning experience but showed that well I wanted to work on a professional set, something more substantial and organized. I remember the conversations that M and myself had started about this, the script well wasn’t solid and did have modifications, He warned me that this would definitely be an experience but to keep my head up as this was not the first production I would encounter. I still audition very frequently but the winter months were approaching which is dead time for most entertainment focuses.

A common interest which has been always there is the Entertainment Industry, he works as a post production manager and editor and I was a actor beginning into the open industry of deceit and lies at times. I was very clear on that understanding long before I had met M and I will never forget on how things can change in all of an instance. The knowledge he holds is something that has inspired me to learn more and to achieve the great goals in which he has achieved.

So enough about what we do and side tracking from the mail message but just to put it out there our dreams and aspirations are a line to the same area. Back to where I was thinking about his stability. To be honest and forward when I met M it was during the lower stage as he was in a rut. When you meet someone on the low side you can see them for who they truly are, and that’s what gravitated in a sense, that I could see who he was even though he was going through something hard. At that point where I saw what he was going through I had turned to where I had when i had experienced the trials. I then went to poetry, wrote from the heart and gave a part of what I thought could help. It went something like this.

In the days where we believe
From the eve’s where we were naive
I still know between you and me
We will truly make this see

At times when life is tough
You exterior shell still may be a little rough
In you I will always see though eyes the man you’ll be
It is easy to stray when that one’s away
The heart may feel at bay, but good times on way

You smile without a doubt as your life is on its route
It makes me believe that what we will be can see
Our voices entwined upon an autumns eve
Relating on what and how we believe
Such an internal release we can breathe from ones word

What is yet to come had made my mind at times numb
The silence is not more than a relief but yet a way to know what we need
It may be hard to hold, making things right and or may be cold
My voice and spirit is free, and I choose you to be a part of me
In the ease of the night, without a freight of the light
You will lean in to me, and whisper l can imagine what can be
At times it’s hard to see, as it is what will become of me
You are the one I want indeed and I want you to believe
Opening one heart is not a game, and must be taken in ease not vein
It is who I want to be, the man that stands here, me.
know that seasons change, but the heart will remain the same
In time the warmth will release, as a past may freeze upon what may not be at ease
Eyes are the door to ones soul and will give you away if ones too bold
Happiness is here in me, just wait as time has proven it from thee
Dreams are meant to be followed, as you and I have modeled
A future made out of what the worlds can put in place
What will bring us into our decided fate with the human race
We can take on the world on just you and me
As we will have a power that blind if no one could see
Don’t fight this, as I know this should be cause you can handle me
Whisper let It Be…

I also then started to be more prominent as I remember it was a little tougher and to be honest I felt a little threatened as M’s past lover had come back in a minor way and would appear randomly and I knew that was unsettling for him but in the same vote it was extremely for me. It doesn’t take a scientist to tell you that when an EX comes around frequently that something if off. I understand the statement of not reading into thing, but when its flashed in your face more the once in a weekend it is a little unsettling. That was near the beginning of November so a few months after we had started on our personal journey together. I know that me as a human being can show some paranoid signs and well with the OCD in some aspects it doesn’t help so I learned on how to not think about the negative. If you think on a negative state then you will see the negative happen right? Is that just being naive though? I mean if you want to share your life with someone and they are alright with who you are then why would they start to do stupid things?

At this point in our relationship things were up, just was where I thought it would end up were we would start to see parts of each other that would be valid. I learned that well I need space just as much as the next person, and if there is no space then it may get to be difficult. If you have that feeling of being backed to the wall then it will be difficult, but when you deserve to be in that corner then don’t be afraid of placing properly. I know that questions can create havoc but if you don’t ask them then would you second guess yourself?

So the month of November was a little interesting to be out there, we had the conversations about a mutual friend being completely and utterly jealous and trying to pull us away from side to side. Funny thing is he became a much better friend to me since I had been seeing M. Weird eh?

So moving forward with what the rest of the month had to come toward. I remember mid November I had a few cocktails with some friends of mine and had made plans to meet up with M, I had received the response as he was "busy" with work. I did not mind as I had been out with friends and didn't want to come off as needy to say the least. I had began to walk home and seen M's car drive by, he was in the passenger seat which surprised me as I thought he was working, yet I see his previous partner driving the car. As an adult I just thought it may had been possible I mis-understood this and given a quick call to make sure I was not wronged. I at that time had no response from any messages or calls so thought it'd be best not to talk about the situation until he was read to communicate.

........................................................ End of Part 1 - Written in 2008

Will Wilson